how am i supposed to be happy? everyday is a slap in the face to myself. i see babies everywhere i go, today i got my first "baby" magazine in the mail that i signed up for when i found out i was pregnant. everything i see reminds me of babies. i went for a run tonite to clear my mind and i think it made it worse, too much time to think. i thought about the fact that today would've been 11 weeks, and i would only have 1 more week to keep it top secret, and the fact that i couldnt wait to tell my family that there was another little one joining the little ones club. i just dont understand, nor will i ever, but its just not fair, yes i know life isnt fair but have i not had my fair share of unfairness? what have i dont wrong? who did i hurt? what did i do to myself to deserve this? what is God trying to teach me with this? that i'm stronger than i think i am, because he's not winning, i'm so weak, i cant handle it. a girl at work is pregnant and only a few weeks ahead of me and that's all she talks about, how do i make it not sound bitchy for me to ask her not to talk about it? its not fair to her either, she is joyous, and i'm still mourning. why can't i get over it? will i ever get over it? i dislike how life is full of so many unanswered questions, i know they are all tests but i can't handle it. i can't even pass a math test. theres nothing more in life that i want than to be a mother. i want someone to call me mommy, i want to be up all night with a screaming child, to someone like me it's a blessing. i'm sick of all the pregnant people bitching about how fat they are, how miserable they are, and how much they hate being pregnant.... i see it all over facebook and its SO hard for me to keep my mouth shut, i just want to say to them that they need to consider themselves blessed.
noone understands what i'm going thru, hell, i dont even comprehend what i'm going thru, all i know is that it really hurts, and i hate it. i really want to be able to go back to being my normal self... but at this point i dont feel like i'll ever be the same, and that's so not like me. each day is a fight, more of an emotional fight than anything, and believe me, the emotions win. i'm so sick of being depressed, i want to be the giggly girl that i know that i am, the girl that doesnt usually have a care in the world. where did she go? why am i letting this take over? and when is it going to go away? soon, i hope. but i have a feeling its going to be a long haul. how is it that some people take miscarriage as a grain of salt, yet i'm torn to pieces by it, i try to tell myself that it was "just a blob", but that blob was a part of me, and half part of the person i love with all my heart, but for some reason we only got to play house for a good 8 weeks, and then it all came crashing down... kind of like when we were little kids and played house and you were getting to the good part and your "husband's" mom came and picked him up from daycare, and there was no way that you could continue on tomorrow.
when will i have closure? when will the Lord bless me with the children i want, what do i have to do?
i dont know. i'm just really down, and theres nothing anyone can do about it. i'm the only one who can try to fix this myself... but its going to be a long road.
sorry this is so random, but after "clearing" my thoughts, i got home, sat down, and cried. uuuuuuuuuuuuuuggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
it will all be ok...... someday. <3
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