I'm trying so hard not to continually cry all day, but it is so hard, everything I look at or hear reminds me of the fact that I lost my baby. I can't even phathom why it hurts so much. Baby didn't have a name, we didn't know if it was a boy or girl, all we knew was that it had a heartbeat, and I guess that's all I needed to make it a real baby. No, I didn't know my baby, but it knew me inside and out, and I know that I loved it with all of my heart. It was so hard to go into my ultrasound knowing that something was wrong and having a feeling that I was no longer efficiently housing my future child. When I saw the screen and didn't see the heartbeat, I think my own stopped. There's no answer to it, but all I can ask is why, why, why? What did I do wrong? Did I do something wrong? Was I too stressed for my baby? Was my body not quite ready after my surgery to house a baby? There are so many questions that I will never know the answer to. My only reasoning is that God knew that something was wrong with our baby and he would rather us go thru the heartache now, rather than when the baby was born and find out that something was really wrong, that, to a point, brings me a little peace. Before my surgery I asked my doctor if she would show me my baby because I thought it would bring me a little closure, she did, I was half drugged, but I remember what it looked like. Unreal, God's little miracle, and then all of a sudden God gets to take the baby home with him, instead of us. It's ok, just another guardian angel for us. It's just hard to grasp and hold on to all of this. I cry all the time, anything triggers it, I cry myself to sleep, I cry in the shower, I cry in my sleep I'm sure, I cry as I sit here in my new recliner that we bought because we figured we would need a rocker for a baby. My eyes are huge and my head is pounding from all of the crying, but I can't make it stop. I hurt, a lot. Nobody understands how much it hurts, it makes you feel inept, it makes you feel as if you are being punished, it makes you mad because you see all of the people that have children and they dont care about them. Its a roller coaster of emotions. People that have even been through this before still dont understand, because everyone handles it so differently. Some people it doesnt bother at all because they didnt get to physically meet their baby, me not so much, it was a baby, it had a heartbeat. It all just blows my mind. I feel like I did when I found out I was pregnant, NUMB. I couldn't believe it, God had finally answered my prayers, and then 8 weeks later I'm back to square one.
It's going to be ok, I know it will be, I just want to get to that point, I want everything to be ok. I'm trying really hard to keep my chin up, but it's so hard. I know that I will get better, and I'll heal, but I will never ever forget my first child.
I'm so glad that I have a great family and a huge realm of support, but nobody is going to make it better, I have to do it myself, and God only knows how long that will take.
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